No Poker for Me

My jaw drops, my eyes flash and I throw my hands in the air. And that's before I start my rave.

My facial expressions have a "voice" of their own. For years I have tried to perfect a poker face. I've tried to hide my disdain, my surprise and my embarrassment. I am apparently lacking that gene that can mask my mask. I am expressive - in gestures, words, tone and facial contortions.

The hardest "comment" for me to hide is humor. I have never been able to suppress a laugh in it's entirety. I've tried to camouflage it as a yawn or a sneeze or a cough. But the suppression leads to watery eyes and then I get "caught". "What are you laughing at?" I try to deny it, but then my voice cracks and the giggle ensues.

Anger is the other reaction that bubbles to the surface. "Are you angry?" "No, why to you ask?" "Well, you face is turning red, your eyes are squinting and your lips just disappeared!" "No," I say, "I'm just thinking." Yeah, right. I'm thinking how I want to smack you!

And then there is disapproval; my head begins to shake ever so slightly; almost involuntarily. My eyes begin a piercing stare. No, there is no doubt, I do not like what is happening or being said.

Years ago, I wore my hair long and often in a "power bun." My staff could be heard over saying, "yep, her bun is spinning." That was code for "she's on one of her tirades." Over the years, I've mellowed and cut my hair. One less "tell" for my moods.

I've worked very hard to keep my gestures less threatening. I don't point, but I do use my hands in a sweeping motion. I have to, regrettably, admit to using air quotes and the "whatever" gesture. There is the shrug and the gesture of defeat when both hands and arms are throw haphazardly into the air.

Often there is a sight that I must convey silently. You know the kind - when you see a grave fashion violation or questionable public display of affection or the person who has fallen asleep in the theater. The kind when you tap the person sitting next to you and dart your eyes frantically to draw their attention to what you are witnessing. The entire head begins to toss to and fro and your mouth mumbles silently, "look at that. ..look at that." And then there is the moment of recognition, when you both acknowledge what you are seeing. Oh, we are so bad!

Growing up, I was never good at telling a lie - too many tells; and, Mom and Dad were very good at reading them. It's a blessing and a curse. Sometimes I would like to keep my opinion to myself. I have developed an expression which I am told resembles "Barbara Walters". It is the face of "active listening, positive reinforcement and empathy." Now, everyone knows I'm just trying to hide my feelings. I can't win.

I am looking forward to Halloween, when I can wear a real mask and safely express how I really feel. Maybe I'll join a poker game.