I can't make this stuff up!

My mailbox was unusually full yesterday. Ah, the advent of holiday shopping catalogs. In spite of being on the "Do Not Mail" list, my name and address is golden to many mail order organizations. I like ordering from a catalog. It's simple and easy. And as far as stimulating the economy - I think I end up spending more on catalog sales. I spend and have nothing immediate to touch and feel, so I spend more.

However, occasionally there is a catalog that you wonder about it. How did I end up on their list? How is it that they even have a list? What the hell is this stuff? Who buys this stuff?

One such catalog arrived yesterday. I'll not mention the name (and forgive me if you use these products). I spent nearly an hour reviewing the items and laughing most of the time. Perhaps I was in a silly mood; perhaps the products themselves are silly. There were a lonely few items that I found very useful, but it was the description of the item that had me giggling.

This company has been offering "distinctive gifts since 1958." I suggest that some of the products and photos in the catalog have been around since 1958.

For some reason there were abundant choices to comfort your feet. Yes, I said feet. There were cardigan slippers to "treat your feet to toasty warmth"; orthodics to "realign your spine and pelvic areas"; toe separating socks "to keep your piggies apart"; snuggle slippers that will let "your toes wiggle with relief"; gel bunion covers with a snug fit that "prevents squeezing, rubbing and friction"; toe flexers "give you stronger, healthier feet in just ten minutes a day"; the bio energizer de-tox foot spa will leaving you feeling "invigorated" and having a "sense of well-being"; "a podiatrist recommended night-time bunion regulator with adjustable tension"; toe socks that "stretch and align toes"; and the ever popular toe straightener that "helps align crooked toes".

Wait, wait, there's more: if you order any of these items, you can also order:

The drum set alarm clock that wakes you up with a drum solo plus a "Good Morning" greeting. If that doesn't interest you, there is also the "Alarm Bell" Alarm Clock that sounds like a real fire alarm. Hmm, wake up to the sound of drums or a fire alarm? Sounds more like "broken" to me.

For the fashion-minded buyers, there are the "shirt-style dickey" or the "mock turtleneck dickey". The 35 Degree Below Knit Dickey is also offered (available in 6 colors!). Dickeys? Really? People still wear dickeys? Of course there is also the "modesty panel" that "enhances low-cut necklines". I thought the bare skin was what enhances the low-cut necklines.

I suspect that this catalog was born in the north lands. There are plenty of products to keep you warm: "the fleece ear-band that holds your cap on"; the "NFL blanket with sleeves"; the ponytail hat and headband for "stylish winter headgear"; cozy, knit snowflake gloves; an Arctic men's hat; a "snuggie" for kids; a "snuggie" for adults; no slip ice treads for your shoes; thermal liners for feet and hands; a knitted all-in-one hat and scarf; and the ever popular fleece wrap-around hat (popular with burglars).

There are a number of products for personal grooming and grooming others: the "Touch 'n Brush" as seen on TV; a glass mouthwash decanter; the "hair cutting umbrella" - a cape that resembles an inverted umbrella to catch clippings; the waist entender that adds up to 5" to the waistbands of jeans and pants; the hair funnel (a vinyl bonnet that secures around the head to allow hair washing from a sitting position); and my favorite, the EZ grip ear wax remover including two "spoon" tips and a super bright light to see deep into the ear canal. And I thought you weren't suppose to use "Q-tips" in your ears; well apparently a "spoon" is acceptable.

There is "restless leg cream" which doesn't detail if it MAKES your legs restless or relieves them. There is a book entitled "Why Are There NO Cats in the BIBLE": I wasn't aware that this was an issue.

You can order the "Fanny" Bank that "makes saving money a real gas!" "Just drop a coin in the strategically-placed slot of this tushy-shaped bank and listen as it lets out the loudest rip you ever heard." I can't make this stuff up!

There is the adorable "sleeping pet", "the next best thing to owning a real pet". It "breathes and snores." It uses two D batteries, ONLY ONE included.

I need to ask my eye doctor about the "perfect vision training glasses"; perforated lenses to work out your eye muscles. If he gives me the go ahead, I'm ordering the glasses along with the toe exerciser to complete my full body workout.

'Tis the season. . .