Through a "green lens"

Some people never overcome the perceived tragedies of their youth. It poisons them; and in return, in poisons others,

She was a beautiful child. Her grandfather called her “Dolly”. She looked liked a porcelain doll. She became a beautiful woman. Her beauty turned to vanity. It was the only thing she felt was her very own.

She learned early in her life that being pretty could sustain her. Being the first born of an immigrant family she met prejudice; and poverty. Her mother spent her days with her paints and canvasses; and sewing. Her father worked in a factory and spent his free time singing and crafting. She would visit her grandfather’s studio and envy the wealthy that came for their sittings. Surrounded by artists, who wanted nothing more than to create, she wanted attention and things and validation.

Her talents were enormous. She picked up the paint brush and pencils and charcoal and met the challenge of the family business. At the age of twelve, a teacher questioned her talent. She was far too young to produce such works; she must have been getting help at home. She put down the brushes and refused to paint again. Criticism did not set well with her.

When her first brother was born, Dolly tended to him. It was something she could do to please her mother; it was a relationship she could build without the shadows of her elders. Her mother gladly let her take responsibility for the house. There was a story she told many times: money was scarce and bills were abundant; Dolly was sent to the market for groceries and was denied credit; she begged the store keeper to let her take the food home. I believe she never forgave her mother for sending her to “beg”. I believed she vowed then, never to “beg” again.

It was that sort of memory that haunted her; that turned her green with envy. She would do whatever it would take to have what she wanted and in a way that she wanted. It didn’t work out for her that way.

She wanted to be a dancer, but didn’t have the feet. But she would find solace in dance and over the years would retreat to the dance hall and tea dances and club socials. She wanted beautiful clothes, but the finances were not there. Later in life should would spend her days, everyday, shopping.


As a young wife and mother, she also cared for her ailing grandfather and parents. She thought marriage would be all about her, but it wasn’t. Her husband adored her and worked hard to provide for her. It was never enough. . .because she could not make it all about her.

She was “Dolly”. She should have the attention.

The early years of poverty bred shame. Shame led to the jealousy. It is ever so hard to be happy whilst looking through a “green lens”. Self esteem is weakened with each comparison; with each want that isn’t met; when each attempt at perfection is challenged.

Dolly would have been 92 this year. I wish I could have helped her be happy. I still pray for her.

Addictive Thinking

Blogger's Note: This is strictly commentary and threads of thought. It's me, thinking out loud.

Additive thinking can be very logical, superficially, seductive and misleading.

I learned this week of a friend's son who is facing legal consequences from his addictive behavior resulting from his drug use. I do believe addiction is a mental illness, but I start questioning the validity of the premise that an individual can be genetically predisposed to addiction.

Is it nurture or nature that produces addiction? Is it the chicken or the egg? Does our genetic predisposition produce low self-esteem? And, that low self-esteem permeates one's thinking and then the parenting skills (or lack of skills) perpetuate the legacy of poor self-esteem? After being told over and over again that you are "wrong" or "need" to do things differently. . .you believe it. Self fulfilling prophecies.

Addiction comes in so many forms: alcohol, drugs (legal and illegal), smoking, caffeine, sexual behavior, people, gambling; just the short list.

The behaviors are a defense to thinking and feeling pain. The pain manifests itself in the guise of self-destructive actions; passive suicide if you will. And misery, loves company. Peer pressure is nothing more than "misery recruitment".

Think about how young (and old) people fall to peer pressure. They are made to think that they are "less" if they don't join the crowd. The "crowd" uses the same negative reinforcement that has been used on them to "keep them in line"; the aim is to destruct the self-esteem; question worthiness; control; withhold love and attention. The same is true for physical abusers; the act of violence is their addiction. Peer pressure works best on an already damaged self image.

Guilt and shame lie at the core of addictive thinking. While they are akin, they are ever so different and require much different healing methods. Guilt results from action; shame results from what we are. Guilt can lead to corrective action; shame leads to resignation and despair.

Socially, we create addicts. We set expectations of achievement as a requirement instead of an aspiration. We judge those who do not "fit in" and often ostracize them. We tell them they should be "ashamed" for not marching to the same beat.

Intolerance. Judgement. Gossip. Blame. Perhaps if we could do away with this "addictive thinking," we could help "cure" addiction.

Stop!

Stop! ". . .in the name of love." Stop! "Don't stop thinking about tomorrow." Stop! "You got to stop and get a ticket."

Stop smoking. Stop talking. Stop chewing gum. Stop yelling. Stop drinking. Stop rationalizing. Stop crying. Stop swearing. Stop whining. Stop eating. Stop smothering me. Stop calling. Stop IT! Stop and put your pencils down.

The power of the word "stop" can be life changing. The command, coming from a parent, teacher, boss or loved one can be devastating. Stop being who you are and BE what I want you to be. The word is the only perceived control we may have over the people in our lives and our situations. The word does not always work to "stop" the behavior, but often increases the desire to persist in the behavior. Why is that?

Don't tell me what to do! You don't know why I do that! You don't understand! You don't know what I'm trying to do! Is there any other word that creates so much negativity? Such adversity? Such an impact on self-esteem?

Don't you think we should just STOP the madness? Let's START tolerance, communication and understanding.